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| Jarsahs who doppelganging or tracking u tonight? |
Wiretaps, Forgeries, and Imposters: My Life as an Unwilling Art Heist Victim
Well, folks, pull up a chair and pour yourself a stiff drink, because my life has officially gone from "tortured artist" to "star of a badly-written, yet surprisingly intense, legal thriller." And let me tell you, the plot holes are yuge.
For the past four months, my poor, innocent cellphone—the one I mostly use to argue with autocorrect and send pictures of my cat—has been Taped. Illegally. As in, my number is apparently part of a "nation-wide investigation" into... wait for it... something I had absolutely nothing to do with.
The Great Forgery & The Catfishing Cop
The whole mess started, as these things often do, with a woman from my past who claims to love me. Let's call her "Ritni the Betrayer." Ritni, it seems, decided to do some shady dealings, complete with a name change, a forged contract, and probably a villainous cackle. When the law came knocking (presumably after she tried to pay for a latte with the aforementioned forged contract), she panicked.
Instead of owning up to her "sneaky deeds," she did what any self-preservationist, corner-cutting, intimidated by the police would do: she decided to throw me under the bus like a discarded palette knife. She mentioned my name—in something I'd never heard of—and then, in a moment of sheer, beautiful absurdity, she gave my number to a powerful and, shall we say, enthusiastic corrupt police officer.(while stating "I have no idea what she has going on to lead their illegal investigation away from her to my direction.
This officer, bless his heart, apparently thinks I'm the key to unlocking the entire conspiracy. He’s been wiretapping my phone—hoping to find something, anything incriminating to cover up their tracks. I’m picturing him right now, sweating in a dark van, listening intently to the sound of me asking my smart speaker to play smooth jazz.
"Aha! She just said, 'Turn it up!' Clearly a code for the forged contract location!"
But the cherry on top of this crime sundae? Ritni's been playing the police like a cheap fiddle, feeding them AI-edited photos of me to "prove" I was in on the shady plot. Yes, you read that right. I'm being framed by cyborg evidence! I have no idea what she’s into, but if she can manage a convincing deep-fake with my face, maybe she should pivot to art and stop forging legal documents.
The Evil Twin & The IP Address Clue
If a wiretap wasn't enough to spice up my evenings, I now have a digital doppelgänger. That's right, folks, someone is online, pretending to be me. Not just a fan, mind you—a full-on, business-stealing, connection-mooching, obsessive stalker-imposter(and before you ask, no it's not my other assets stealing doppelgangers.
There is another genius copycat out there trying to connect with my legitimate contacts and obtain business opportunities from my creative projects. It's like a bad B-movie: The Artist, Her Evil Twin, and the Unnecessarily Long Legal Drama.
I have a "pretty good idea what envious guy" put her up to it, but I guess they forgot that in this digital age, we have things like IP addresses. Seriously? You plot your scheme over a burner phone in a dimly lit basement and forget about the digital breadcrumbs? Amateur hour!
A Wise Man, God’s Plan, and the Expiration Date
So, what's the takeaway from all this cloak-and-dagger nonsense?
A wise man once told me: "Lies have an expiration date."
And that, cyber-friends, is what keeps me going. The truth is eventually going to stand up, dust itself off, and walk into the sunlight. What's done in the dark always comes to light, and thankfully, if God be for me, no envy holds up in truth.
So, for the corrupt officer listening in: enjoy the sound of my cat purring; it's the closest you'll get to a confession. And for the imposter: enjoy those stolen business opportunities while you can, because the internet remembers everything—especially where you logged in from.
A Call to Action (Seriously!)
PLEASE BE AWARE: If you have seen any website, social media, or spoken to a female claiming to be me about my creative projects—especially if she seems overly eager or generally unhinged—it's not me! I have never spoken to anyone online(Beware, they are very desperate and have stolen my images and edited it with heavy filters and even cloned my voice to make the scam realistic to prey on my business connection and attempt to ruin my reputation.
If you have any tips, have spoken to the imposter, or seen any of her shady sites, please let Jarsh know. Cyber-friends don't let other cyber-friends get scammed!
Call me
(518) 290-8032
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